folayra

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 17:57:46 GMT

Me: "I took a 3:30 to 8 shift tomorrow"
Kevin: *sigh* "Whatever........That doesn't leave me with much of a weekend"
Me: *speechless*
Kevin: "I'm going to go veg out for a while since you have to work all weekend" *retreats to bedroom to play WoW*

SERIOUSLY?!
It just seems to me (and I've felt this way before) that he doesn't want to spend time with Brigette. Like me working makes him have to "babysit" (yes he's used those words before) his daughter.

"well golly! I'm so sorry that we need extra money so we don't have to live HERE for the rest of our lives! I'm not going to stay home so you can avoid your parental duties and play a goddamn video game all fucking weekend!"

*end rant*

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 08:50:15 GMT

Not much to say really. Work was slow. I'm tired. Going to breakfast with Dad tomorrow. Blah Blah Blah

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 18:55:59 GMT

OK
Really?

When I post a status message on FB about how it saddens me that the words "I breastfed my daughter" can clear a room, how is it ok to leave a comment about how you breastfed yours but not until 2 because that's just creepy?

I'm loathe to start fb drama, but damn if I don't want to whip out my soapbox and go totally mental on this chick. Maybe I should just unfriend her? Obviously she didn't read my status closely. She's assuming I breastfeed my daughter, I clearly stated that I breastfed her. And since she didn't read my status, she is assuming that I do still breastfeed, and therefore is calling me creepy. I would be nursing my daughter still, if she hadn't self-weaned.

Totally going to unfriend her, like right now.

Is That Even Possible?

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 06:58:29 GMT

For one human to embody every single pet peeve and/or annoyance I've ever harbored? Why yes, it certainly is. And I live with said human. Ah, Kevin's Dad, how you irritate me to the point of physically twitching everyday is really epic. Shall we list the ways?

Let us start with something that annoys most parents: baby talk
If he's talking to Brigette, he's talking like a babbling idiot. I can't even stand to be in the same room as they are, and I actually feel sorry for my child...but I know she's way smarter than he thinks she is. And I soothe myself by imagining her thoughts must be something like "Uh, ok Old Guy, I'll "shrow duh bawl" right at your kneecaps!"

Now, the whole baby talking issue wouldn't be so bad if he didn't talk all the fucking time
Seriously, the man never shuts up! If he isn't talking, he's making some weird popping sound with his mouth that he thinks Brigette likes. Or he's eating really loudly (another major peeve), or he's clapping along to whatever music is on the TV, or he's singing (god forbid!). He never sits quietly. Kevin's mom tells me that it's because he vocalizes everything. I'm just not sure that's normal.

He does that thing that some people do when they insult someone and poorly disguise it as a joke. And he does it to his wife and daughter most often. I find it incredibly rude and it makes me majorly uncomfortable. I mean, it's just a generally Ass-Hat thing to do!

He interrupts everyone. He's one of those people who, instead of listening, are merely waiting for their turn to talk. And because I find it terribly pointless to talk to people like that, I don't ever talk to him.

He is a loud phone talker. Really, I can hear him in the basement when he's upstairs. So basically, I can never truly get away from his voice.

He wears way too much cologne. Now, you may think I'm just being petty and nit-picky here, but it annoys me when I give Bri a bath and then he picks her up. So instead of smelling lightly of lavender and vanilla like a freshly scrubbed toddler should, she ends up smelling like Old Spice. It just weirds me out.

He kisses my child way too much. Yeah, grandparents love kissing babies. And maybe it's my whole "personal space issue", but seriously? He doesn't need to kiss her every goddamn time he picks her up. I've mentioned it before, in an offhand "you better not be kissing my daughter if you just sneezed, haha *cringe*" way, but he just keeps doing it. And honestly, I have no idea how to go about saying that to someone. I mean I just don't think that saying "Damn it keep your mouth off of my child!!!!!!!!" will go over very well. But he really needs to do just that.

He's way too nice to me, when I know he's just faking it. I mean, he's nice in a condescending way. Just be real!

Yeah, I sound like a whiny bitch, after all, I live here for free and never have to do much of anything. I have it pretty damn good. But that doesn't mean I can't be irritated sometimes.

That Pesky "Alcohol" Thing

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 18:46:27 GMT

I'm feeling a bit better today. I don't know how PMS always sneaks up on me. I mean, I'm my usual self and then all of a sudden it's
"OH MY GOD WHY WON'T HE SHUT UP?"
"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?"
"OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CHILD! PLEASE JUST STOP SHRIEKING ALREADY!!!!!"

That's mild. I also get all mopey and "woe-is-me". It's really lame. But anyway, I know that I can't just bitch about things and expect change if I don't actually say something. I mean, to give Kevin credit, how the hell does he know I'm upset about Janet's ring sitting on his desk (although, how could he think I was OK with it? But I'll give him the benefit of the doubt) if I don't say "What the hell dude? Why do you still have that ring? If you need money to buy ME a ring, why don't you hawk that piece of shit?" Yeah, that probably wouldn't go over well, but you get my point.

There is also that pesky "alcohol" thing. I mean, I really have no idea why one would feel the need to consume 40oz of malt liqour every night. It's excessive. And don't get me started on his weekend consumption. There are some weekends that are spent in a drunken haze, during which he's kind of like an unpredictable animal. No one knows when he'll snap, but you know it's coming. And the really weird thing is that his parents just don't see it, or are scared to say anything. They ignore his behavior. Better to avoid conflict I suppose. But, it is really an issue that needs to be addressed. The only problem is that if I say something, he'll think I'm concerned for different reasons. When I left, I told him he is an alcoholic and he took offense and denied it, saying "if it was so easy for me to stop, I must not have a problem". This statement is not true. I don't think all alcoholics have the same level of addiction. And it wasn't easy for him to stop, if he couldn't stop right after Brigette was born after I threatened to leave him. He said he would, then hid the beer from me. Classic addict behavior. But, I'm not here to accuse him, I want to help him. I don't even want him to totally quit if he doesn't want to, I just want him to tone it down. I know, lets NOT drink ALL weekend from 5pm Friday until 11pm Sunday.

And this is why we need counseling.

Buy The Cow Already!!

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 09:28:06 GMT

Been a while again...
Living with Kevin's parents kind of sucks. I'm working at RT part-time again. I totally gained back the 20 or so pounds I lost while I lived with my dad. I feel fat and unhappy right now and it totally sucks. I'm kind of upset at Kevin for various things and feel that he and I desperately need counseling if we are going to be a healthy couple. I need to tell him that soon so we can get started. I told him when we first got back together that I wouldn't mind getting married....and he seemed to want that too. But now I wonder. He just seems to have one foot in and one foot out. I sometimes wonder if he's just comfortable here at his parents house. We aren't even talking about marriage. The other night there was a jewelery commercial on and he scoffed at it and looked at me as if he was expecting me to agree with him that it was such BS that a woman would be happy to receive a piece of jewelery. I said that women sometimes like to get jewelery. Especially significant pieces of jewelery. Yeah, yeah, not subtle I know. He said "are you gonna pay for it?"
Nice. Really high class, that.

So I wonder. Now that he has "the free milk" when the HELL is he planning on "buying the cow"? Do I still want this? I love him. I don't love living with his parents. In the basement for the love of god. This isn't the life I planned on. It seems all I do is bitch in this journal and I have to say....I don't give a fuck because it's my journal!

Anyway, he is giving me a lot of conflicting signs lately. He still has the engagement ring he wore when he was engaged to Janet. In fact, he keeps it on his computer desk, perched on a little statue of some odd creature. It looks like he thinks it's important. And that bothers me. I should tell him, I know, and I don't know why I don't. What am I afraid of?

I know what's missing between us....friendship. Like, being able to tell eachother anything and understand each other. To be able to communicate silently and feel comfortable in each others presence. We're getting closer, but I just don't know if it should be this hard.

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 05:42:27 GMT

Some things have happened since last I wrote.....I left Kevin, moved in with my dad in Vancouver. Kevin was having visits with Brigette every weekend and twice a week. Things were going well for a while, I was dating a guy I thought I was totally in love with. He turned out to be psycho and emotionally unstable. I dumped him and soon found out that Kevin was engaged. This bothered me for some strange reason, and I couldn't figure it out. So I went on with my life. It kept bothering me and bothering me until I finally realized that against all odds and in spite of the past, I love him. So I told him. He broke up with her and we are back together. Yes, there are still issues. Yes, I still have a problem with his drinking. But I am over my personal issues and he and I are working on things. It can only get better from here.

Now on to other things. Brigette self-weaned right about the time that Kevin and I got back together. I really miss breastfeeding her, and it makes me sad. I'm not sure if I should have kept trying to nurse her or not, but she is happy and healthy so I suppose she did what she needed to do. Still though, I miss my little boob monster.

back....again....

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 08:44:52 GMT

I have a lot to write about, but I got on here an hour ago to post something, then got caught up in reading old entries. So now I'm going to bed. I'll write more tomorrow.

Drama, Drama, Drama

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 06:48:43 GMT

Well, the shit has hit the fan, so to speak.
I don't know what I was thinking would happen with my sister and Kevin in the same house.....but he hates her. I admit, she's a difficult person to like. And an impossible person to live with. Even I can't live with her.

We went out to dinner with Dad on Sunday as per usual, and when we got home Kevin had had quite a few beers already (don't even get me started on his alcoholism). He was pissed because I forgot to give the manager our rent check when I did her partylite show. So we got a notice to pay rent, with a late fee of $75. As if we really needed that. But I called her and told her I was a dumbass and she said she couldn't waive the late fee but could let me pay it later. So I told Kevin to just re-write the check for the normal amount and let me pay the late fee when I get paid. Fair, right? Well the drunken stubborn asshole just had to write the whole amount and proceed to bitch about it. I dealt with this the way I usually do when he acts like this and ignored it.

He then comes into the kitchen and yells at Jannell calling her a fucking bitch and tellling her to move out if she doesn't pay rent in full and accusing her of using meth. Meanwhile, my dad was at the store getting bus tickets for Jannell. I told Kevin that my dad was coming back and to go back to his room and cool off. He was like "good! Maybe I'll kick his ass out too!" When Dad got back Kevin was still yelling at me about the rent. So that made my dad think even less of him. It's too bad my dad isn't the type of guy to stick up for people.

Anyway, Jannell isn't on the lease here. And Kevin didn't know that. I did, but I didn't tell him because I wanted Jannell to be able to live here. Well, Kevin asked the manager if she was on the lease and found out she isn't. Surprisingly, he didn't tell her to leave right then. I told him that it would be easier if we had Lacy write us an official document saying something about an unauthorized tenant and such. So that's what Lacy is going to do.

The good thing about all this stress? I'm losing weight! Woo! (sarcasm)

My Phone Bill is HOW MUCH?!

Sat, 08 Nov 2008 08:35:45 GMT

I'm an idiot. My sister and I shared a phone for a while now....the bill got racked up to $637. Obviously we can't pay it. So I was in panic mode needing a phone. I went and bought a $60 go-phone. And now I regret it alot. The rate plan is kind of lame because ti costs $1 a day that you use your phone. And for me that's everyday almost because it's my only phone. But I activated it already so I can't return it. And I can't use it until I put some minutes on it. So basically I'm out $60 because I had to have a phone when I could have waited to just buy a SIM card for $10 to put in my existing phone. I'm feeling really retarded right now. I guess I could sell the phone on craigslist for like $40 without the pre-paid sim card. But I'm still without a phone. I really need a phone. Damn my sister and her incessant phone use.

Ah, Sisterly Love.

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 06:23:14 GMT

I'm so fed up with my sister right now. I should have known that she was not any different than when we were growing up. But I look for the best in everyone, that's who I am. Especially if it's family. I don't know how to tell her that even though I really wanted to help her out, I don't want to live with her anymore. It's alot more trouble than it's worth. She brought her cat home the other night. I'm upset about that too because I really didn't want to have to deal with another cat. I'm so tired of her stupid attitude. Everything I say to her makes her defensive. She is an immature bitch most of the time and I'm tired of her treating me like shit.

Fri, 12 Sep 2008 06:28:19 GMT

I feel so crappy right now I don't even want to post an entry. I'm actually jealous of my sister because she has a job and gets to go to work. I love staying home with Brigette, but I really would like to go out or do something other than sit at home. I need some me-time bad. Or some socialization. It doesn't help that Brigette has been a clingy-fussy mess the last week. I literally could not put her down without her having a meltdown. She seems to be getting a little better today, but she is still very clingy.

I need to find a job but I can't seem to get anyone to hire me. I really don't want to go back to Round Table if I can help it. It just seems like I'd be throwing $11,000 away. Apollo college was not cheap. And even though I have job training, no one will hire without experience. I really should go to the college and talk to the career advisor.

I might decide to do Party LItes if it seems like something I could do. I doubt I could have shows in this apartment unless I somehow cleaned really well and changed the decor a bit for the shows. But, it would be nice to be my own boss and all that. A consultant should be contacting me tomorrow or the next day to talk to me about it. Plus I could do it and still be a stay at home mom.

I also wouldn't mind being a breastfeeding counselor for WIC. I plan to ask about it at my next appointment on Tuesday.

I'm so damn tired of being stuck at home. I need some way to make money. Hell, at this point I'd even consider doing a phone sex line if I had the time. Seriously. Being broke SUCKS.

really?

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 06:38:09 GMT

Went out to breakfast with dad this morning. One of the first things he said to me was: "Gee Heather, you look heavier than when I last saw you. What's going on?"

My dad told me I'm fat. One of the people who should never intentionally hurt my feelings. And every male knows you should NEVER tell a women she looks heavy. What made him think it was ok to say that to me?

Thanks Dad. I didn't have a clue that I'm fat. I had a baby or didn't you notice. But really, thanks for pointing it out. I appreciate it. My self esteem wasn't low enough. I'm fully aware of how fat I am, thanks. Now I feel like I need to eat to make up for how bad I feel about my body. It's a vicious cycle and the added stress I'm dealing with right now isn't helping.

*rolls her fat ass into the kitchen to find a cookie*

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 05:10:47 GMT

I hate moving.

I hate everything about it, from packing to unpacking.

I wish I could just curl up in bed and magically appear at the new place all settled in and unpacked without having to do anything.

I really wish I had a house so that I would NEVER have to move AGAIN.

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 05:03:33 GMT

OMG

Apparently I used all the spoons. Now Kevin can't have any ice cream because he's too lazy to wash a spoon. And he's pouting.

Grow the fuck up.

Sat, 02 Aug 2008 06:13:27 GMT

So. Kevin has informed me that he wants to get Brigette baptized. When he asked how I felt about it I said an emphatic NO and told him that she can choose her own religion when she's old enough. He kept nagging about it and I kept saying no. Then he went and pouted.

He should know by now if he knows me at all that I am obviously pagan. That in itself should tell him that I would never let my daughter be baptized into a religion that I do not believe in. I thought we were on the same page about religion. We've talked about it. He knows how I feel about christianity. I don't care that he's catholic, to me it's the same damn thing. That he would even suggest baptism is ridiculous.

The more he does shit like this the more I realize how different we really are. I don't regret having Brigette, but I'm not sure he and I are ever going to be on the same page about parenting. Right now he pretty much goes along with what I want, but I fear that as time goes on he is going to try to argue with me about everything. We're signing a year lease at the new apartment, after that I'm pretty sure he and I won't be together anymore. I'll probably have had all I can take from him.

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 05:58:48 GMT

The NIN concert was AWESOME!! I love Trent. I don't care how old he gets, I'll always think he is the hottest man on earth. Totally worth the 3 and a half hour drive to and from Seattle. Didn't get home until 4am. The concert was at the Key Arena which is pretty much right under the Space Needle and next to....wait for it.....The Science Fiction Museum and Hall of Fame!!!! I wanted to go in sooooo bad! Oh well, next time. I missed Brigette of course but the break was really nice.

Nothing else really....it's been a few weeks since last I posted, but I really have nothing to say.

The lack of sleep is turning my brain to mush.

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 05:13:47 GMT

Last week:

My sister told Sean that she's leaving him. Sean told her that Kyllie is better off staying with him. His friends and parents agreed with him. Which is so totally not true because he lives in a trailer in his parents back yard. And he is a tweaker. So Jannell was really upset and stressed out last week wich stressed me out.

My mom went to the hospital. She had fainted. She was in there for about 3 days while they ran a whole bunch of tests. Turns out she has small blockages in the vessles in her neck. They put her on an aspirin regimine, blood pressure medication, and cholesterol medication. She needs to stop drinking and smoking. When she got home, Terry was taken to jail. So she's been by herself since then, calling me all day and freaking out about being alone. She hasn't been drinking which is a good thing and it sounds like she's actually getting her head on straight this week. Good thing too. I missed my mom.

And it was flippin HOT! I hate hot.

Now, it's a new week. And it's not too bad so far.

Brigette has been going to sleep in her crib almost every night! And she napped in her crib once last week! Wooooo! I thought the day would never come. And she's starting to be really vocal. Just cooing away, trying out her vocal cords. I love it! I still can't believe she has red hair. She'll be 5 months on the 11th. One more month and we can start playing with solid foods! I'm so excited!

I'm house hunting right now too. I'm hoping to find an actual house that is $1000 or less to rent. Problem is that this place requires a 60 day notice while everywhere else only requires 30 days. So I can't really start looking until the end of the month. Kevin found these apartments he used to live in and he loves them, but Jannell and I went to check them out and it is a small place. We only need 3 bedrooms, but there are 5 of us if you count the babies. I really hope I find something.

I also would really like to start working again. I hate not having money. But, I can't afford daycare and it's just cheaper right now to not work. Sounds backwards but it's true.

I think I'll go be a vidiot for a bit.

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 06:29:08 GMT

I thought I had stuff to say but I don't really have the energy to write anything. Suffice it to say that this week has been a complete shit-fest.

I'm going to bed.

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 05:45:54 GMT

Not much to say really. Surprise surprise, Wendy called me today wondering what was going on for my birthday. I told her nothing because I can't go out anymore really. She said she'll come over to visit with me after work tomorrow, but we'll see. I'm totally expecting her to flake on me. I guess if I have low expectations I can only be pleasantly surprised right? I feel really apathetic towards her.

My sister's cat died. She's pretty sad about it. Poor thing got into a fight and had an abcess. Jannell was going to take him to the vet but couldn't find him and he didn't come around to eat. I'm sad for her, but now we only have 4 cats (hers and mine) to worry about when we move. That sounds harsh, but it's just the reality.

Kevin is taking me out to dinner tomorrow night for my birthday. Grandma is watching the wee one (his mom, not mine). For the most part, Kevin has really started to pull his head out of his ass. I'm happy that he's taking responsibilty, but I'm still really unhappy about his drinking. I want to tell him to stop drinking but I don't want to nag him. That's so silly. Why am I worried about sounding like a nag? I think the thing is that I don't really have any leverage right now. I guess I could always threaten to move in with my dad, but I would never do that. Like I told Jannell about her boyfriend, it's like beating a dead horse with a broken record. People don't change. The lucky ones find someone whose faults and annoying habits do not outweigh the things they have in common. I've been meaning to make a list of things in common versus annoying crap about Kevin, but I'm pretty sure it would just depress me. There are just base things that we do not have in common. And the annoying things would totally outweigh the likes.

I'm turning 29 tomorrow. Woo.

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 20:52:20 GMT

I hate leafblowers.

Not only are they an air pollutant, they are a noise pollutant as well. Every damn Tuesday the maintenance people use them around the apartments all day long. It is almost impossible for Brigette to nap because of the noise, and because of the crappy insulation the exhaust floats into the house to give me a headache and make me sick.

I really want to go find where they keep the damn things and sabotage them one of these nights.

Sat, 14 Jun 2008 05:43:41 GMT

Today sucked.

I went to Jannell's and was going to take her to DMV and then we were going to go to McMenamins. But Brigette had other plans for us. She had quite the meltdown, poor thing. It took an hour to calm her down. So we didn't end up going anywhere. On the way there I deposited $160 into my account because I'm overdrawn. I needed $100 more and Kevin had told me he was going to write me a check for $200 so I would have money to last me until I get my tax rebate. I hadn't asked him to do that so I was pretty happy that he would be so thoughtful. Well, he ended up only giving me $70 which didn't even cover the rest of my overdraw. So I need $40 more dollars and he won't give it to me for some reason.

Now, I wouldn't even ask him for it but he offered to help. And he just told me he thinks I should close my checking account. Why the hell would I do that? I admit that I suck at managing my money. This is probably because I was never really taught how to when I was younger. But I'm not closing my checking account. I'm kind of pissed that he would tell me he's giving me $200 and then only give me $70. And he says that he's pissed that I'm overdrawn because he always has to bail me out. That is so totally not true. I have never asked him for help.

I hated working, but I really hate not having money. I don't want to depend on him. I just feel like he's taking this opportunity to control me in some way. I don't want an allowance. I want to make my own money and spend it how I like.

To top everything off, I am now totally sure that Wendy is no longer my friend. Well, she might be my friend, but we aren't close. We're more like acquaintances. Or, since she lives right next door to me, neighbors. Nothing more. Today when I got home, I heard Wendy and Ty coming out of their apartment. I was walking by as they were coming down their stairs. I deliberately did not look their way just to see if she would say hi to me. She didn't. Neither of them said one word to me. I'm really upset about this. She and I have been best friends for 20 years. It's like any relationship I guess. I need to learn to let go. I'm still mourning the loss though, and it may take some time for me to heal. I just don't know how to do it. There are so many times every day that I think about calling her to tell her some random thing, but I have to remind myself that she probably won't answer her phone or call me back. I need closure of some kind. I want to call her and tell her off. Or write her a note and stick it on her door. Something so I feel like I've told her how I feel. So she knows that she hurt me.

blah blah blah

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 06:48:34 GMT

I think Brigette is finally over her fussiness. She is going through a "wonder week". Her brain is developing and learning alot of new things right now, so it makes her fussy. But she's sleeping now and has been since about 9:00. Woo-hoo! And even though I should really be sleeping with her, I had stuff I needed to do so here I am.

Got the kitchen reasonably clean. I hate waking up to a dirty kitchen. I really wish I had an espresso machine. Then I wouldn't have to go to Starbucks everyday. I don't even need a milk steamer, just the espresso maker would be fine. My birthday is coming up, maybe I'll ask my dad for that. Ha. Like he would spend that kind of money on me. The man makes $25/hr last time I checked and still complains that he has no money. And he only has himself to support.

We are planning on renting a house when the lease here is up. My sister is going to move in with us and provide day-care for me while I work days and I will watch the kids at night while she works. At least that is the hope. I hope it works out. I really want the girls to grow up together. Kevin is getting all frantic about having money to move with. All I'll have is my tax rebate, which will have to support me until I get a job. I can't get a job until we move because I can't afford daycare. Until Brigette is 2 years old daycare is super expensive. And I'm not going to work just to pay someone else to raise my daughter. I was talking about the whole daycare thing to Kevin and mentioned having Jannell do it. She would not pay rent because she is providing daycare for me. And he agreed, but now he's asking how much she can pay for rent. If she got a job, she would have to work nights or weekends, probably part time. And the other thing is that Kevin's parents are loaded. If we needed help renting a house they would help us. Brigette is their first grandchild and as such has special privileges.

Sometimes I feel like life is just dragging me along for a ride and I just want to stop it and catch my breath for a while. I really need to start doing something productive. Other than being a mom of course. And other than cleaning. Damnit I'm a house frau.

I think if I could give anyone who is expecting a child any advice, it would be that no matter how much you think you are prepared, you aren't. Nothing can prepare you for parenthood. You could read all the parenting books in the world, but when you actually have that child, you will feel like you don't know anything. It's the most challenging, wonderful, frustrating, exciting experience you will ever have.

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 06:06:20 GMT

The random journal button is awesome. Although, it kind of makes me feel really boring. Like everyone else is alot more creative than I am. Oh well. I guess I just need to realize that this is called livejournal for a reason and people mostly write for themselves.

I wonder when I became so cynical. I remember being a kid, even in high school, and feeling optimistic. Now I am pretty sure life is just a big shit-hole that we're all stuck in.

Wow, maybe I need to look into these feelings a bit. I think it has alot to do with the sleep-deprivation that goes along with parenthood? I'm sure that if I got 8 hours of uninteruppted sleep I'd feel like a new woman. And maybe a shower would help my mood also. Brigette is going through a wonder week period and is super clingy right now. Makes me really glad that I quit working because she is high maintenance when she isn't clingy. And it is just easier for me to comfort her than anyone else because, well, I have the boobs. Today with her was really hard. I hope tomorrow is better.

Now I'm off to fold laundry! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

woe is me

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 06:47:39 GMT

There are days when I really can't figure out who I'm supposed to be. Hell, I don't think I'll ever be who I thought I would be when I was little. But does anyone turn out how they expect? Can anyone truly say they are exactly who they thought they would be?

When I was little, I thought I would be married with 2 kids living in a big house happier than ever by the time I was 25.

Reality: Single, one adorable 4 month old baby girl, living in a shitty overpriced apartment with my alcoholic WoW playing boyfriend of 3 years who I've broken up with several times only to get pregnant from "ex-sex" the last time. I'm 29 years old and have wasted about a third of my life working at a shitty job where I was underappreciated and underpaid. I am now unemployed. I went to college for 10 years only to finally get enough credits for an associate degree of general studies, which is the one you get when you didn't really have a major and never really got your shit together well enough to actually talk to an advisor about your college "career". I then went to a vocational school to learn a job trade which is not in very high demand right now. I have over $25,000 in student loans and really bad credit.

My friends have stopped hanging out with me since I was pregnant, which wouldn't really bother me except that my "BFF" who I've known for 20 years can't seem to find the time to see me even for 5 minutes. And she lives next door to me. Last time I talked to her and asked if we could hang out she said that she was hanging out with Adam but would hang out with me if he flaked. Um, thanks for the sloppy seconds I guess. I then asked her to set a date with me so I could have first dibs on her time. She said she couldn't because she didn't have her calendar in front of her. WTF, So, my BFF of 20 years couldn't pencil me into her busy fucking life. I'm so over it. The only thing is that it's really hard to get over. It's like any relationship. I feel betrayed and angry at her and resentful towards her boyfriend. I really wish I could just write her out of my life. I'm just done trying to hang out with her. I feel like I'm bothering her when I call. And she never returns my calls or texts. Why can't it be easier to let her go?

I need a hobby. And maybe a beer.